Understanding How Your Child Thinks and Feels: How to shift from judgement to compassion

When my son was nine years old, he came to me with a big smile. ‘Mum, I am loving being me.’ Lights On! A memory I will cherish forever.

Three years before, when my daughter was nine, she didn’t have the same self-love. One morning, curled up with our dog, she said, ‘You may as well send me to prison, Mum. That is what it feels like.’

She wasn’t being melodramatic. It was her tone of resignation that concerned me. She had dark rings under her eyes. There was no light. No laughter. No hope. Lights Off.

Being Lights On and Lights Off

 We know when our children are happy and engaged with learning and life. We also know when they are bored, stifled and unmotivated. We see it in their eyes.

I call this being Lights On and Lights Off, which refers to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual state of being. What you think, feel and do determines your outcomes and influences your experience of life.

Being Lights Off is a reactive state. ‘I can’t do this. It’s too hard. I’ll never be successful, so why bother?’ Everything feels hard, pointless, forced and challenging. Parents have described it as walking through treacle. Children say they feel ‘lost, scared and alone’.

In contrast, being Lights On, you feel creative and energised believing you can do anything. ‘I can do this. I have what it takes.’ Emotions such as love, joy, peace, awe and gratitude make you feel alive. It feels good to be you.

What it means to be Lights On and Lights Off

Use these questions to explore with your family.

Lights On

• What are you doing when you feel happy, content, engaged, inspired?
• How does it feel?
• Where do you feel it in your body?
• What thoughts do you have when you are in this Lights On state?
• What is possible for you when you are Lights On?

Lights Off

• What switches off your lights and makes you feel frustrated, bored, angry or sad?
• Where do you feel it in your body?
• What thoughts do you have when you are Lights Off?
• What is possible for you when you are Lights Off?

Shifting from judgement to compassion

When Lights Off you’ll see lots of problems and make decisions from a place of scarcity. You’ll feel guilt, shame, anxiety and unsafe, and be fearful and on high alert for threats.

When Lights On you’ll find solutions, tune into abundance and tap into curiosity, creativity, excitement and action.

 Becoming Lights On aware will stop you judging your child’s behaviour. When they show fear, anxiety or resistance about going back to school help them express what they are thinking and feeling. This will shift you into a more compassionate energy and they will see love, rather than fear, in your eyes. Because they can see it too – when you are Lights Off or Lights On.

Julia Black:

Julia Black is the creator of Lights On, a global community for parents who want to bring the latest thinking from neuroscience, positive psychology and passion-led learning into their homes. Initially launched as a physical centre offering in-person programmes, Julia soon recognised the need to expand into the virtual space. With her new book Lights On Learning, Julia offers a transformative approach to understanding what makes every child “lights on” so they are ready to learn.

Julia is also a BAFTA and Grierson nominated documentary director, educationalist, and Master Neurocoach.