Going back to school is an important emotional transition and does require some thought and planning for the psychological consequences. Here mental health expert Noel McDermott looks at changes parents can make to ease this, depending on the child’s age and school experience. As transition issues are a lifelong thing (change is the only constant), back to school and also holiday prep from school are great ways to develop best practice with your kids, giving them an invaluable set of skills for the rest of their lives.
Return to school is a psychological transition as it is a change to one of the three central life circumstances that produce transition responses in all of us. Those life circumstances are:
- Home(safe place offering emotional safety and meeting survival needs for shelter, food etc)
- Work/school (meaningful activity with obligation and linked to survival needs being met)
- Love relationships(family, close friends, intimate partners etc)
Changes to these areas will likely produce transitional phenomena which are behavioural and emotional disturbances that might see A) a reversion to previous coping mechanisms (regression) or B) the development of new coping mechanisms (adaptations.) Typically coping mechanisms are designed to manage distress and some will be fine and some might be upsetting or even destructive.
Noel comments: “If age appropriate we don’t notice these regressions and assume correctly they will grow out of it, but when they are a little older and we see these behaviours suddenly emerge again, which they can and do through transitions, we might get worried. But, regression is normal when the three central life circumstances are affected as are adaptations. The key question is are they doing something to help? Adaptations in particular may be unhelpful or what we call ‘maladaptive’. Examples might be aggression, self harming, substance misuse, excessive drinking. These might seem extreme but often they might emerge over time. More subtle forms of expressing distress in children in particular would be sleep disturbances, changes in mood, appetite, withdrawal etc”.
Going back to school may not produce some of the more noticeable regressions or maladaptive behaviours if school is generally welcomed by your child. Still practicing managing change is useful.
The question is how do we reduce the risk of disturbance during transition and when it does emerge help our kids and ourselves manage it? These are some key ideas to utilise:
- Normalisation – knowing and accepting that transitions can be upsetting allows us to normalise and explain to ourselves and our kids what is happening. Often, it’s the magnification or catastrophising of the behaviours that is the problem. When we can say, ‘oh this is normal’ during times of change we can manage things better
- PPP– plan, prepare and practice. Plan: If you know the change is coming, discuss it before it happens, if it’s a big change start the discussions early, some months before. Prepare: Get folk on board with organising the practicalities which facilitates normalisation, discussion and empowerment. Practice: If say moving to a new school,, go visit the new area. Build an emotional ‘on ramp’ that allows the reality of the change to be grown into, as opposed to an emotional cliff edge where you all fall off and smash into the rocks of the new reality below
- Increase soothing and supportfor all before, during and after the change. More movie nights on the sofa, more self-care, more massages, more spa days, more friends and fun, more family meets and openness about feelings, tell the school, work and all support networks about the transition and ask for understanding
- Refocus on the four corners of health and wellbeing – 1. nutrition (hydration) – eat well and regularly (in between the movie night binges of course!), 2. sleep and rest regularly, 3. get moving and exercise, 4. manage stress with relaxation, massage, meditation
Often adopting these approaches will not only take the sting out, but it will also mean you have no discernible negative transition issues. Or if you do have them, they are less intense and of shorter duration. If there is a history in your kids or yourself of mental health issues, eating disorders, addiction etc then it is super important to focus on support and also developing individual plans for those involved around relapse prevention.
Also practicing now will mean that if a significant negative transition does take place in yours or your child’s life you will all default to best practice in reducing the negative side effects. The less thought (motivation, dopamine) we have to put into healthy behaviours the more likely we will use them. Thought is replaced by habit developed through repetition. Developing good habits before you need them is a sensible way to manage life.
Specifically, it’s important to manage the daily diary back to a ‘work’ schedule in regard to sleep, but also in regard to daily tasks. Depending on your child’s age it may be useful to add school work into their schedule. Maybe look at their school peers and have them round to work together. Also ask your child about school and how they feel about it and what they are planning to do. Avoidance increases our anxiety about a thing so the opposite reduces our anxiety about it. Graduated exposure to a triggering topic allows us to emotionally manage it better
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and coordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/