Support your child starting secondary school

Starting secondary school is a big step in a kid’s life, going from being the biggest to the smallest and taking more responsibility. It’s nerve wracking and exciting for kids and parents too.

Below British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP) advise parents how to help kids through this exciting and anxious time.

Check-in on how they feel

Kemi Omijeh, a BACP registered therapist who works with children and young people, said: “They’ll be feeling lots of intense and fluctuating emotions, so ensure you check in with them regularly. Try not to make a big deal of the check ins, they can be brief and done casually.  Allow room for all feelings, they can be both excited and nervous, normalise this.

“There might be a lot of comparing themselves to their peers and attempts to fit in, engage them in conversations that allow them to feel confident in their own decisions and trust their instincts.”

Counsellor and BACP member Georgina Sturmer agrees that it’s important to let children voice their feelings about the move to secondary school.

“The key here is to avoid making assumptions.  We might think that we know how they’re feeling, or how they’ll cope.  But if we make assumptions then we’re not necessarily going to get the full story.

“Open questions are helpful, as is finding the right moment.  Some children are happier to open up while doing an activity, or perhaps while we’re in the car or out for a walk.”

Support them making new friends

“Every child has a different need for social connection. Just like adults, some children seem to be able to connect easily with their peers, whereas other children may find the process of forming new friendships overwhelming, ” says Amanda Macdonald, a BACP counsellor who works with children,

“Let them know you’re there for them if they want to talk about their worries about friendships. If your child does want to talk about friendship issues then the best approach is to listen.

It can be tempting to want to give advice about what they should do, but often, simply by giving your child the space to say how they are feeling may be enough.

Kemi agrees that listening when they about their school day and new connections is important:

“Show curiosity and understanding whilst validating their experiences. Talk to your child about what makes a good friend and that building lasting friendships takes time. Help them to remember and understand the qualities they have that make a good friend.”

Help them become more independent

“Once children enter secondary school, there’s expectations that they’ll be more organised or prepared than they’d been at primary school.  This can feel like a major adjustment,” says Georgina,

“It might feel tempting to continue to plan for them.  To get their things ready.  To offer constant reminders.  To jump in to rescue them the moment that something is lost or forgotten.

But there’s a balance here.  We should absolutely continue to ensure that our children feel safe and secure.  But we also need to start equipping them to be independent.  To understand the consequences of their actions.  And sometimes this might mean allowing them to fail.  To miss the bus or to forget their homework.”

Kemi agrees that it although it’s important to support them in their day-today routine it’s also important to:

“Resist the temptation to do it all for them as independence and self-responsibility is an important skill for them to learn. It helps with their confidence and resilience.”

If things go wrong and your child ends up with a sanction Amanda says to be aware of your own responses:

“Communicate that this isn’t the end of the world, and that perfection isn’t a goal to strive towards. Adults forget their keys or their phone just the same as children may leave a book or sports kit at home, and that is just part of life.”

Confidence to travel to school alone

“For many children, starting senior school will involve travelling without their parents or carers,” says Amanda,

“There are practical steps that can be taken to prepare your child for this, often starting in primary school when children start travelling on their own. The summer holidays is also a great time to practice the new journey.”

Kemi recommends giving you and your child plenty of time to prepare.

“Consider doing multiple trips to the school together, to and fro. Discuss alternative routes in case of transport disruptions. Agree on how and when you will communicate with each other, for example, will you expect them to message you when they leave school and when they get home.”

Georgina says if a parent finds it hard to adjust to a child’s growing independence and having less control over their day.

“It’s helpful to remember that, even if it feels uncomfortable, it’s important for children to develop a sense of independence and autonomy.  To develop coping strategies of their own. While also knowing that their parents and their home offers a secure base to fall back on. “

Use your own experience

Kemi says to think back to your own transition to secondary school and what emotions you felt.

“This might help you to support and prepare your child for the transition in a way that is focused on them and their needs. At the same time, your feelings matter. Give yourself time to process them with a trusted person, so that you are not projecting your own feelings on your child’s experiences.”

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.bacp.co.uk

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