How to survive co-parenting this Christmas: advice from a family law expert

Jennifer Moore, family law expert, at Rayden Solicitors shares her top tips to help parents navigate the challenges of co-parenting over Christmas

Christmas is often a special and magical time of year; especially for children. Most people wish to spend the festive period with family and friends, however, it can be a difficult time for separated parents and their children if arrangements cannot be agreed on. 1 in 4 families in the UK with dependent children are headed by a single parent*, so not everyone will be celebrating a traditional family Christmas.

With this in mind and Christmas just around the corner, Jennifer Moore, Legal Director at Rayden Solicitors and expert in child contact and custody disputes has shared her insights into how to positively co-parent over the Christmas period.

Put your children’s feelings at the centre of the discussion:

It’s important to take into account their views but try not to let them feel guilty for wanting to split their time with the other parent. Christmas post-separation will inevitably be different, but the priority is to make things as enjoyable as possible for the children.

Keep the “grown-up talk” out of earshot:

It is well known that exposing children to parental conflict is not in their interests and is potentially harmful. Research** has documented that divorce and parental conflict are associated with an increased risk of child and adolescent adjustment and behavioural problems. With this in mind, it’s extremely important to work through any conflict together without involving your child. Communication is key when co-parenting, so make sure you’re having the conversations you need to have, as long as it’s in a secure environment that won’t affect the children.

Consider mediation if communication is difficult:

If communication is difficult, as is often the case, consider involving a third party; mediation and/or family therapy are both useful mechanisms for agreeing on parenting principles, such as having the same rules and boundaries in place in respect of religious traditions.

Implement a ‘parenting plan’:

A parenting plan is a written plan worked out between parents after they separate. It can help clarify the arrangements and set down what each parent expects of the other when the child is in their care. Particularly over the busy Christmas period, having a plan in place in advance is crucial to maintaining a smooth co-parenting holiday period and making sure no one is missing out. We recommend having a plan in place at least a couple of weeks in advance to reduce the possibility of last-minute decisions causing conflict.

Get creative with your Christmas plans:

Don’t let yourself get tied down by specific dates. Father Christmas can visit at different times, new traditions can be formed, and older traditions can be brought forward or pushed back. It’s important to acknowledge that the new family dynamic will bring with it a new style of Christmas, so embrace the new instead of holding on to the past.

What the law says

All of the individuals with Parental Responsibility, which is usually both parents, should agree on the important decisions in a child’s life. This means that significant decisions in a child’s life, including what time they might spend with each parent over the festive period, must be made jointly.

In the event of a disagreement, either parent can make an application to the Court for an Order under Section 8 of the Children Act 1989, to define what time the children shall spend with each parent and to address specific issues.

When deciding on any application under the Children Act 1989, the Court’s paramount consideration must be the welfare of the child. Considerations will include:

• The ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (in light of his/her age and understanding)
• The child’s physical and emotional needs
• The likely effect on the child of any change in his/her circumstances
• The child’s age, sex, background and any characteristics of him/her which the court considers are relevant
• Any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering
• How capable each of the child’s parents are, of meeting his/her needs

Dr Seb Thompson, Clinical Psychologist at Cygnet Health Care says:

“One of the core psychological needs of any child is to feel loved, accepted and safe. People who co-parent are ultimately the child’s primary attachment figures and are the people that the child will look for to provide that safe, nurturing and validating environment in which they can grow and thrive. Should there be difficulties in that relationship it is important that the child knows that they are not the cause of these difficulties and that they ultimately feel loved by both of the co-parents.” 

“Children are ultimately egocentric, as the part of the brain that allows them to think about the thoughts and feelings of others doesn’t properly develop into late adolescence or early twenties.  There is a risk therefore that children will begin to internalise any difficulties in relationship, or any arguments, and believe that they are the cause of any friction or distress that exists within the family system.  Once children start to internalise these feelings of blame then this could then lead on to difficulties with their own mental health.”