At Action for Children, we understand how difficult it can be for parents to talk about violent and abusive behaviour towards them by their children.
Our own research shows a strong link between violent behaviour from children towards their parents or carers and unmet needs, particularly special educational needs or disabilities (SEND) and mental health issues. The transition between primary and secondary school and the start of the new school year after the summer holidays were cited as key trigger points.
You may feel shame and blame yourself or worry about being believed. You could be fearful of getting your child into trouble.
Parent Talk is Action for Children’s free digital parenting service, supporting parents and carers across the UK with children aged 0 to 19 and families with disabled and neurodivergent young people up to age 25. The team provides online advice and confidential one-to-one live chats with trained parenting coaches.
Our parenting coaches have seen a big rise in the number of parents and carers asking for help for violent and abusive behaviour from their children over the last three years.
Parents have described being put in headlocks, bitten, kicked, punched, slapped and threatened with knives. Some have locked themselves in rooms for safety.
Natasha*, whose 10-year-old daughter has ADHD and is on a waiting list for an autism assessment, said, “It started with verbal abuse, slamming doors and throwing things, but I could see it was leading to physical violence. Once when I was tying her shoes, she tried to kick me in the face, and she would constantly push into me and test physical boundaries.
“I noticed spikes in the aggression were often linked to changes in routine, such as going back to school after the holidays, or if she’d had a bad day at school.?
“I couldn’t understand what was causing my child to be so angry at me every day. I felt like a punching bag. It was really affecting me mentally. I would sit outside in my car after work and not want to go into the house.”??
Action for Children Parent Talk coach Leanne Balloch said: “The parents who reach out to us for help when their children are being violent towards them are often burnt out, fearful, at crisis point and don’t know where else to turn.
“They frequently describe long waiting lists, rejected referrals and being ‘bounced’ between different services – including their child’s school, GP and Child and Adolescent Mental Health teams (CAMHS).
“We also hear from parents about intense feelings of shame and isolation, with many worrying about being blamed and judged, or getting their child into trouble if they speak up.
“If you’re struggling, it’s important to reach out and talk to someone you trust. You can also speak to one of our Parent Talk coaches for free, confidential support.”
Our Parent Talk coaches have put together this advice for Dealing with violent behaviour from your child or teenager. It includes guidance on how to keep yourself and others safe, how to calm your child, understanding the cause and getting support.
How can I keep myself safe?
If your child is at risk of hurting you or anyone else, first make sure that you and your family are safe. If you think anyone is in immediate danger of harm, call 999.
Make a plan to keep you and others safe in the moment when your child is being violent. Think about how you might:
- keep yourself safe when you’re physically close to your child
- reduce risk of harm to other adults or children
- get to a safe place, if you need to
- remove any dangerous or valuable objects from the room
- get extra support
If your child or teenager is physically violent, you can try stepping away until they have calmed down. But this depends on your child. You may need to stay with them for their safety or the safety of others. Try to avoid physical contact with your child while they are being violent, unless you have no other option. This is to reduce the risk of injury to you or your child.
How can I calm my child?
Some children or teenagers may not like being told what to do, so think about the language you use. Try asking if there’s something they need. This may be more effective than telling them to stop.
In some cases, your child may not realise their behaviour is unacceptable. It may help to offer them a choice of what happens next to give them a chance to calm down. For example, “If you carry on doing this someone might get hurt, or you could tell me what’s upsetting you and how I can help you.” This gives them some control and time to process what’s happening. If the behaviour continues, follow up with a warning, and then act on it.
You may also need to call someone else to help calm your child. This could be a friend, relative or neighbour who can help you resolve conflict. Our online guidance provides a list of organisations who can also provide support.
You can get support from:
- your GP, who may be able to refer your child for support
- Capa First Response, for?making an action plan
- Pegs, where parents and carers can?self-refer for help with child-to-adult violence
- the National Domestic Abuse helpline for women (call 0808 2000 247?visit the Refuge website)
- the Men’s Advice Line (call 0808 8010 327 or?visit the Respect website)
- parenting classes for advice and reassurance through your?local children’s centre
- the?NHS Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service?(CAMHS or CYPMHS)
How can I support my child over time?
It may take some time to change your child’s behaviour, but this doesn’t mean your actions aren’t making a difference.
Over time, notice what triggers your child’s violent behaviour. One way to spot patterns is to start a?behaviour diary. You can also look for ways to set clear expectations around behaviour by?setting some house rules. Involve your child in creating these rules so they have some control.
If you can, look for ways to help your child reflect on their emotions and how to manage them. This could involve:
- discussing how you both respond under pressure and making a plan together for resolving conflict in the future
- using books, TV or films to talk about anger and violence with your child
- sharing what makes you angry or frustrated and how you manage your feelings in those moments
- asking what could help them calm down if they start losing control
For more help and advice, visit parent-talk.org.uk
*Names have been changed to protect identities.