More than 40% of American teenagers report persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and one leading child psychologist believes grandparents and extended family could be key to tackling the crisis.
Kenneth Barish, PhD, a Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine, argues that families have lost vital support as extended family involvement in children’s lives has declined. He says this has contributed to what the US Surgeon General has called a prolonged crisis in child and adolescent mental health.
“We did not evolve to raise children with as little extended family and community support as most American parents have now,” said Dr Barish, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. “Children need grandparents, and they always have.”
In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Dr Barish draws on four decades of clinical work, along with neuroscience and child development research, to explore how grandparents can help ease modern parenting pressures.
Raising children with a sense of purpose
Dr Barish believes intense pressure to achieve is fuelling anxiety, depression and substance abuse among children in affluent communities. He says the answer lies in helping children build a sense of purpose that goes beyond personal success.
“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress,” he writes. “Helping others promotes a greater balance in children’s emotional lives.”
He points to research reviewed by psychologist Jane Piliavin showing that helping others is linked to improved self-esteem, lower rates of depression and school dropout, better immune function and even a longer life. Dr Barish recommends families volunteer together and talk often, from an early age, about kindness and understanding other people’s feelings.
How grandparents can help
Dr Barish describes grandparents as a source of what he calls “molecules of emotional health”: small moments of listening and encouragement that build up a child’s emotional resilience over time.
“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood,” he explained. He says children need someone who helps them feel less alone and shows them that problems can be solved and relationships repaired.
Other simple ways grandparents can help include making time for play and fun, and showing genuine interest in a child’s own hobbies and goals.
Too much criticism, not too much praise
Dr Barish’s clinical work has led him to a finding that goes against common assumptions: the biggest problem he sees in families isn’t too much praise, it’s unintentional criticism from well-meaning relatives.
“Criticism does not motivate children to work harder,” he said. “Instead, frequent criticism breeds resentment and defiance, and undermines children’s initiative and effort.”
He also draws on Carol Dweck’s idea of a “growth mindset” to distinguish between praise that builds resilience and praise that can backfire. His advice: praise effort rather than intelligence, and praise learning rather than grades.
The book includes 21 rules for encouraging cooperative behaviour in children, including collaborative problem-solving conversations and giving children a chance to “reset” rather than reaching straight for punishment.
The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting: Raising Emotionally Healthy Children in a Challenging World by Kenneth Barish is published by Routledge.
