This Men’s Health Week (June 15th-21st) mental health expert Noel McDermott looks at the pressures fathers face balancing work, family responsibilities, and societal expectations, and what men can do to support their mental health. Concerns can manifest differently in fathers than they do in mothers and despite opening up a conversation about mental health with a father being challenging, it’s so important for both their well-being and the overall health of the family.
Dads and fathering
It’s important being a dad in the world today and in some ways, it’s never been more important to society that positive representations of men exist and are visible. Becoming a parent means that one has to reintegrate one’s own experiences of being a child and for many kids’ dad was expressed more as an absence rather than a presence. In many very real ways men and dads today are redefining those words and roles. That redefinition allows us the opportunity to choose those aspects of maleness, manhood and fathering that we like the best and want to celebrate. So, what are the things in being a man and a dad you want to shout about? Dads in many ways are ordinary men turned into heroes by their kids and as ordinary men they can struggle with the hero worship. But let’s forget practicalities and step into this becoming for a while the adventurers and storytellers our kids want to experience us as. Disappointment can take a step aside for a while. So, what do kids and research say are great about dads?
Most important of all is being a stable anchor for our kids, forget all the complexities and focus on three key things:
1 – Being present physically and emotionally – go watch your kid at an activity, have cinema time at home and comment on the film your kid is watching sharing their feelings about it. Once a day let your child define your time together. Most importantly, be present when doing any of these and again don’t look at your phone,
2 – Become a positive role model – our children don’t obey us, they copy us, meaning we are role models whether we like it or not, the only choice you have is being a positive or a negative one. Do you want to be your kid’s inner critic or inner champion? How you behave and how you allow your kid to become is the key,
3 – Allow your connection to your child to reparent you – what’s the point of having a kid or in fact any love relationship if you don’t let it change you? Let your child in and let them help you grow. If they are old enough, tell them what you have learned from them. Being a dad is not about being the boss, it’s about being the servant.
This can lead naturally to being a dad for the broader world and our male friends. The key to psychological health is our connections to others and lessons learned in becoming a father is understanding that being a man is becoming a man. Learning to manage the changes we face as we become dads is the perfect training for dealing with the same anxiety as we become men because being a man is a verb these days not a noun. It’s a journey not a destination. So, what might be some useful markers on the journey?
Research shows us again and again men are activity based – get active with your mates, not just in the gym but more broadly. Doing things is what men really like and that also means doing the psychological stuff. There has been a significant growth over the last decade of men’s groups promoting healthy psychology through activity-based connection, a footie group, walking group, learning to care for your daughters’ hair etc. So, get organising and get your mates doing stuff with you!
Be a pony that has lots of tricks – code switching is adapting your language, style, dialect etc for differing social, professional or cultural contexts. It comes from linguistics as a concept but has now been adapted to psychology and sociology. You already did it when you became a dad, think of your baby talk for example, so now apply it more broadly. It sends a signal you are flexible, pro-social (safe) and smart. Successful and powerful leaders have no problem sitting and chatting with the cleaner that comes into the office., they code switch.
Healthy body healthy mind – an oldie but a goodie, learn and put in motion the four pillars of health and wellbeing from Lifestyle Medicine – 1. Exercise more – 2. Sleep better 3. Manage stress – 4. Eat healthier.
Mental health expert Noel McDermott comments: “Being a man and being a dad is a privilege so embrace it and live every minute of it with passion and joy. Challenge toxicity when you see it. Set the example of strength and kindness. Your kids are watching how you do life and will copy it. How do you want them to be in the world? Decide and do it first for them to follow in your footsteps.”
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/
Fergus McCarthy is a seasoned publishing professional with over three decades of experience in the media industry. In 1993, he co-founded Parents News, a pioneering publication aimed at providing busy parents in Southwest London with essential information on education, entertainment, sports, and family-friendly activities. Under his leadership, Parents News quickly expanded its reach from 60,000 to 192,000 monthly printed copies, establishing additional branches in Kent, South London, Northern Ireland, and Cornwall.
In 1997, recognizing the potential of digital media, Fergus helped launch Parents News UK Online, which carried digital editions of the printed publication and offered a broader range of national information. The website's popularity soared, attracting up to 700 daily hits at its peak.
Although Parents News transitioned to an online-only platform in 2017, Fergus continues to play a vital role as Publisher and Advertising Manager, focusing on providing value to businesses through effective advertorials.
